Penance
by pickamix
Summary: <html><head></head>What if Willow helped Spike adjust to having his soul?</html>


Not long after Willow found out that Spike had a soul now, she decided that he couldn't stay in the school basement. Buffy didn't like the idea of her bringing him home though, so that left Willow with few options.

First she thought about moving back into her parents house and housing him in that basement. It was finished and it was really nice, but she thought her parents might have a problem with housing a vampire in their midst. And that would be if they knew vampires existed, which of course they didn't. And not even they were oblivious enough not to notice something wrong with him if he were to live there.

She thought about asking Xander if he could stay there, but Willow didn't think that Xander would do well with sane Spike, let alone crazy Spike, considering the fact that he hated the vampire passionately. She really didn't think they would mix well, but it was still a better option than her parents. And Spike was still helpless against Xander. He still had the chip, so that was a selling point.

Willow went and visited Spike's old crypt and found that it had been taken over by demons of a rather stinky nature, and they just seemed to ooze an aura of evil. They tried to go after her, but she was able to blast them off using a lighter and her magic. Unfortunately she blew the crypt up in the process.

The crypt that Oz used to use wasn't going to work because it had windows that let in a lot of light. And Willow felt she was out of options.

That was how she ended up begging Xander for a place for Spike to live. His closet was huge and it had no windows. Spike could stay in there all day long and then be able to roam at night. There was electricity and running water which would be big helps in keeping Spike fed and clean.

Once Xander agreed, she worked all day to get the closet ready for Spike to stay in. Xander helped if only because she was still recovering from injury. Her stomach was still missing skin and was desperately painful. But she wasn't going to let that deter her.

When she went to get Spike, the school basement looked different than when she had seen it last, so she wasn't that surprised when she got lost trying to find Spike. The basement was like a labyrinth and she wondered if she would be able to find the way out again. This was her third visit to this place and it never seemed to fail to creep her out. If she couldn't stand it down here for her short visits, she could only imagine the effect it was having on Spike, who was down here all the time.

At least when she did find him, she knew he wouldn't smell that bad. She had been making him take showers and wash his clothes. That didn't help the fact that he slept on the grimy basement floor, but it did keep him a little cleaner.

The first shower had been rather eventful. He had started screaming in such agony that she checked on him and found him curled up in a ball in the corner of the shower room. She wasn't sure what was wrong, but she soothed him as best she could through his agony. That ended up with her sitting on the damp floor, fully dressed, with a naked Spike in her arms sobbing for about an hour or so. She stroked his hair and rocked him, telling him that it was all okay until finally he was calm.

Now she hoped that getting him out of the basement wouldn't be too difficult. When she found out that he was there because he had nowhere else to go, she knew she had to fix that. She knew he didn't own much. Just one bag's worth of things. So it would only take one trip to get him out of the basement. But now that he had been down here for however long he had been down here, she hoped he hadn't gotten attached to the place.

"Spike?" she called, hoping that he would find her rather than her continuing to have to search fruitlessly for him.

"Red?" she heard him call back from somewhere down the corridor to her left, but she knew better than to try and follow his voice. She stood still and waited for him.

"I'm lost."

"Always lost," he said from right behind her, startling her and causing her heart to beat ultra-fast.

She smiled at him. There was dirt on his cheek, but he didn't smell. "That's right, I always get lost when I'm here."

He pressed the heel of his hand to his temple and closed his eyes like he was in pain. "Not right, not right, not right."

Willow pulled his hand away and smoothed her hand over the side of his face. "Shh, it's all okay. Whatever isn't right... we don't have to worry about it right now. The world isn't coming to an end at the moment. We've got time to figure things out."

Spike was whimpering, "It hurts to know, ya know? It hurts to know."

She pulled him into a hug because she knew exactly what he meant. It hurt to know what evil you had done when you had a soul to feel guilty about it. "I know. I know."

Feeling her own guilt keenly, she held onto him until he let go a considerable amount of time later.

Weeks later, and after having built up a habit of going out and drinking together a couple of nights a week, and when Spike was much more sane, they got into a discussion about their guilt.

"It's always there," he said. "Just below the surface of every laugh or smile. It's there, ready to remind me that I don't deserve these good times."

"I know exactly what you mean. Xander told me a joke the other day..." Willow started.

"The one about the rabbi and the rabbit?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, that one, and I laughed, but my laughing was cut a little short because I knew I didn't deserve to laugh."

"You didn't try to rape someone you love," Spike said, taking a drink of beer.

"No, I didn't try. I succeeded." She had never told him about this before.

He looked at her like he didn't believe her. "What the hell are you on about?"

She sighed and decided that her story might help make him feel better about his past. "I used to wipe Tara's memory of fights and stuff. So anytime we would have sex after that, she wasn't exactly informed in her decision-making. It's two different kinds of rape. First her mind... then her body."

"I seriously doubt that's how you saw it at the time." Spike looked her over in a way that seemed knowing.

Willow turned it around on him. "Did you think you were trying to rape Buffy?"

"Oh, God, no, I just wanted her to feel like I did, and I thought if we just had sex again... I see your point. It doesn't help that my sex life with Buffy had been anything but gentle before." He rolled the beer bottle between his palms.

"And it didn't help that Tara used to encourage my magic use." Willow took a sip of her own drink. "My point is we got to where we got in a way that shouldn't surprise either one of us. And you were evil at the time – completely soulless. I don't have anything like that to fall back on as an excuse. I did what I did complete with a soul and everything. Now we just have to do better. We look back on what was... see the pitfalls... and not fall into the same traps. It'll be easier for you than me."

"Oh you think so?" Spike asked.

"I would say I know so. You were able to feel guilt even without a soul. Now that guilt is a thousand times stronger. You won't be making any of the same mistakes." She was sure of this. Spike might not be campaigning to be the world's champion, but she knew a good guy when she came across one.

"You're good for me, you know that, Red?" He slung an arm around her shoulders

It was good to hear that. So she leaned into his embrace and put an arm around his waist. "I try."

She was just happy that she was able to make him feel better. Her goal was accomplished.

As was their custom, he was walking her home. The night was nice – a little on the cool side, but it was clear and the stars were visible. They were near the park when she stopped and looked at them. They were countless – billions upon billions of them. Tons of those stars had planets. She wondered how many of those planets had life. Probably a lot. It put her mistakes in perspective.

Spike took her hand. "Whatcha thinking about, luv?"

"About how there isn't a crime big enough that it can't be forgiven. So long as you truly regret what you did and see it as wrong, there is and should be forgiveness for it." The universe was too big for there not be.

He cupped her cheek, caressing it with his thumb.

Perhaps neither of them would have to look very far for that kind of forgiveness.

Willow touched his face and looked deep into his eyes and saw nothing but love, a love she reflected back at him, a love that was rooted in understanding and the ability to forgive flaws – even big flaws.

End.


End file.
